Full Moon
by Neru
Summary: Ch2.Painful past shapes his present, and nightmares can't fade away.Tsuzuki thinks about Hisoka
1. Hisoka

Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei belongs to Matsushita-sensei.  
  
FULL MOON  
  
Hisoka  
  
No matter what he would do.  
  
No matter what I could do.  
  
It still haunts me.  
  
I wonder if I'm the only one who's that fragile. Maybe others, who faced a tragedy which had changed their lives, could bear that and live on without turning back. Sometimes they would gaze into the past and leave it with a bitter smile, once and for all.  
  
But I just can't. I almost don't show Tsuzuki because I'm aware of how much pain it would cause him. He does a lot to help me with my nightmares and he's always there for me, no matter what happens.  
  
I pretend his love heals me much more than it actually does. I don't want to see him hurt, and for sure not because of my own problems or irresponsibility in showing what should not be shown. If he would realize the regret that lies in me, he'd want to soothe it badly. But he would not be able to.  
  
I don't know myself what can do it. Maybe it's just meant to be this way. Maybe I wasn't just the wrong person in the wrong place on that day.  
  
Tsuzuki, whom I cherish.  
  
Muraki, whom I hate.  
  
I wonder why I think about him as frequently as I do the other one?  
  
I should have more place for Tsuzuki in my mind, but it seems that each one has half of my attention. It is not fair, but I can't help it. I would happily stop thinking about that man, however, the moments when beautiful amethyst eyes are replaced by silver ones are more often than I would want to. Even the most wonderful dreams can turn into nightmares when this replacement takes place.  
  
How can I ever stop that? Even if Muraki would die by chance, the past remains. There is no way to change it, no matter how badly I'd long for that.  
  
That's why there is no redemption. The paradise will always be beyond my reaching hands as long as I have remembrances.  
  
Causing an amnesia, somehow, isn't such a bad idea though. No memories, a new life. Without some experiences, there would be a chance to learn everything again, in a different way.  
  
But Muraki could come and make me remember once again. So the story would make a circle and nothing would change.  
  
Maybe there is no possibility for a change. Everlasting hide-and-seek played all over with myself. Running away from my own mind. The worst escape of all, since there is no place you could hide in.  
  
I guess I just have to cage it somewhere in my heart and try to be happy.  
  
By loving Tsuzuki, everything started to appear better. Living in that illusion might be good, as long as shields of affected strength, of any force at all would not crack.  
  
If it happens... well, for everything there is an ending.  
  
Perhaps our story can't have a happy one.  
  
Today is a full moon... It's so beautiful... maybe that's why I hate it so?  
  
Wah, it' so short! But I decided you all will get bored if it would be much longer. Angst is good but not too much for once. And there still is chapter 2, about Tsuzuki Please review! 


	2. Tsuzuki

Big thanks for your reviews!  
  
FULL MOON  
  
Tsuzuki  
  
No matter what I would do.  
  
No matter what he could do.  
  
It still haunts him.  
  
Everyone faces traumas in different ways. Even if one is very strong, no one can stay unhurt, because some scars won't ever fade away.  
  
I could do anything to heal him, but it doesn't mean that there is a cure.  
  
We just play a little game of pretending. He pretends he's fine and I pretend that I believe it. But deep inside of him, he might see that I know.  
  
Because he isn't very strong or weak. He just doesn't rely on others and tries to fight alone, which is too much.  
  
I guess he isn't fully aware that he is to face more than one nightmare called Muraki. There still persists the case of parents and it hurts as much.  
  
I should not show him how hard is for me watching his struggling. He would become even more reserved. This is really some kind of emotional hide- and-seek. We always hide our pain and seek it in each other as well. It will take us some time to learn that love should be a support, not a burden. Easy to say, more difficult to do. This game of ours... is kind of sad.  
  
How can we hope for heaven when there's always image of hell chasing after us?  
  
I cherish rare moments of his happiness. He has different ways of showing it than I, but I can tell when he's happy. A little brightness in his eyes, small curve of his lips; almost a faint smile. That makes me content myself. At those moments I'm sure that we've got a chance. A chance which we're fulfilling well.  
  
I know it's not kind but I wish Muraki would disappear. So he wouldn't feel even a brief touch of his hands or see an insolent and nasty grin. I don't know what that bastard keeps in his mind for Hisoka to see but it surely isn't anything pleasant.  
  
Maybe it would help a little; his death...  
  
But the past won't change.  
  
Life can turn into another path but those already curved cannot change their shape.  
  
I'm helpless watching his falls. Even if it gets better, there always comes another fall. Over and over, until the end.  
  
I want to hope for the better but what if only worse waits for us?  
  
I just know one thing for sure. If Hisoka would ever, ever die, I'm going to die with him.  
  
Because there is no life without Hisoka, even if this life isn't the easiest.  
  
Full moon... strange, when I had became to love it ?  
The ending sometimes can't be happy, but the story still can.  
  
END  
  
While I was writing this fic, I came to think that maybe Yami no Matsuei won't have a happy ending. There is a lot of hope but it still is only hope. And what if...  
  
Just since when I'm so pessimistic?!  
  
This fic is dedicated to Muraki-chan, Hiro-chan (I miss you!) and also to my wonderful reviewers Eliza Hime and SapphireDragon. Hope you've liked it 


End file.
